The Grail Quest: what our pain has to teach us…

I said in my previous post that I was going to explain how the Grail came to be part of my spiritual path. The very short version of the answer would be that some day it just appeared on my path, quite unexpectedly, and then… decided to stay.

Is that a complete answer? No, and yes. There is one thing that all the grail stories seem to have in common, namely that actively trying to find it is the surest way to fail the quest. For when we go about it in that way, we believe that we already know what it is that we are looking for. It is like being in search of wisdom but at the same time already being convinced we know everything there is to know.

And so the place to look is not the place where you would like the grail to be, but rather it should be looked for in the place where you are most afraid to go.

I will first share a channeled message, then try to explain what I think this means, and speak a bit about my own experience


This is the Grail speaking.

I am the heart of the quest for true wisdom. Find me and you will discover Truth.

That is what all the stories tell. They also speak of how hard it is to find me. I would have to disagree with that. It is the easiest thing in the world. It is simply a matter of seeing what is right in front of your eyes, and engaging with that, not running away when the difficult questions are asked.

For it is only when you have the courage to stay that you will discover how simple it all is. Give, and you shall be the richest one in the world. Reach out in friendship and you shall find friends. Be love and love shall be given to you.

The earth is meant to be a place of abundance. Not of strife. Not of terror, not of power.

There will always be enough for all. The earth will provide. That was never the problem and that is not the problem now.

The problem lies with those who are afraid to be loved, are afraid to trust and are afraid to ask. For they are failing to make connections. They are not just depriving themselves, but they are also depriving others from the opportunity to give to them, from the opportunity to get to know someone who has a different life experience from theirs. To receive the tears of another and be healed through the experience of holding one who needs help. To become a carrier of someone else’s needs. If you who are weak do not have the courage to ask for help, you deprive someone else from the opportunity to find their strength.

That is what I ask all of you. To have the love and courage to share. Both your joy and your tears.

What society tells you today is that you must be strong. That you must contribute to building something, but that when you are out of strength, when your legs are no longer able to carry you, that you must make sure not to be a burden, that it is your duty not go be selfish and to be strong all by yourself, in a place where nobody else has to be confronted by it. That is what so many of you are told. That is also why your wounds do not manage to heal.

For the way to heal is through connections. It is by allowing what was once broken to reconnect to the web of life. And how can a piece that is suffering from disconnection ever grow back together if it is not being made part of the web again?

Your pain is beautiful. Your pain is powerful. Your pain is needed. Do not keep it for yourself. Make it a resource for the community to draw upon. Be the pain you feel and allow it to become your strength. Be it. Be proud of it. Do not run away from it, but work with it. Honour it. It is given to you for a reason. It is your anchor. It is the thing that will show you how to heal.

You may think I am crazy. But consider this. A part of you that feels is a part that is alive. A part of you that does no longer feel, that is made numb by the effort of trying to cope on your own with something that is too big for you, that is where the real danger lies. That is where the path of death lies. Do not walk it. Do not ever bring yourself in a situation where others force you to walk that path.

It is an illusion that you are strong when you try to numb your pain. True strength means turning towards it. True strength is embracing it.

For let me tell you a secret. Everybody is broken. Everybody consists of pieces they are trying to glue together. More so, not all the pieces we begin with are our own. Some we are meant to give to others. And these are not necessarily our smiles and hugs and cuddles. These are probably the pieces we wish so badly we did not have. And with good reason. For guess what? They hurt because they are not yours to keep. Each of us is born with a bit of the pain in the world, knowing that there is someone out there who needs to feel that pain in order to heal their own wounds.

Find your pain and give it to the world. That is how you serve the grail. That is how you bring healing, love and joy. You are beautiful,and your tears are your diamonds. They are where you can truly shine.


Let me first stress one thing which I feel is important. The point of this message is nothing like the nonsense you sometimes hear about how bad things happen to people because we need to learn something. NO. Do not go for the ‘you need to be grateful for all the bad shit that happens to you’-kind of nonsense. Bad luck happens. That is not what this is about.

What are your ‘trigger points’? Which are the topics, the memories, the people, the ideas, the thoughts, the words, the… that make you want to go run and hide, that cause you to loose your temper in ways that may seem unreasonable to those around you, that cause tears to well up within you no matter how much you fight them, that make you feel like shit every time you come across them?

That is your dark forest. That is where your grail quest lies. To understand that pain, and to turn it into treasure. For it may well be that you hurt precisely because you have been given eyes to see something that others are running from as well, or worse, have become indifferent about. If you feel the pain, then find the wound. For it is likely that it points to something that is broken on a wider scale than just your own soul. How is our society ever going to heal its wounds if everybody tries so hard to avoid seeing all the broken pieces lying scattered on the floor?

So speak. Begin by acknowledging the pain. Say ‘this hurts’, even if you do not fully understand why yet, if it is just that dull ache pointing to something that is deeply wrong yet whose cause is difficult to pinpoint.

And already at that point you will start making some people uncomfortable. There is a good chance that that is precisely because they recognize the pain, but are also trying to run away from it. So, do them the favour of letting them know they are not alone. Or to those we actually hurt you: if you do not speak up about your pain, how do you expect them to learn?

As a society we have come to a point where we HAVE to feel uncomfortable. If we do not even dare to admit to that, how will we ever get out of our current mess?

My personal ‘grail journey’

You are asking what my personal pain was/is? The feminine. No, not #MeToo. Nobody physically hurt me or even tried to. It was ‘just’ that I found it very difficult to see a ‘real’ woman within myself. Because I do not fit within any of the usual stereotypes. And so I had convinced myself that I was not worthy of being one.

And I can assure you that I ran. From other women, because they scared me – looking at them all I could see at times was projections of ‘you are not one of us’.

Within Paganism, there was nothing that made me more uneasy than mentions of the Goddess and the divine feminine. And so for a while I did all I could to erase her from my practice, to hide in the safe zone that was called ‘gender-neutral’. (see Struggling with the Goddes: in search of self for a fuller version of this story).

Until I began to see that I was effectively erasing myself. I was allowing others to dictate who I could and could not be.

I am not going to claim some great victory for myself. I never set out to find that grail. I ran from it. Until she hunted me down, dragged me into the deep end of the forest until I had no other options left but to surrender to her.

And I am grateful that she found me.

So treasure your pain. Do not ever be ashamed of it. It is your shining diamond.

One comment

  1. Again wow! Your shared words and channeled writings Beith are deeply inspiring! My eyes were racing ahead of me as I read, eager to find out how your “Grail Quest” post would end. There is much to muse upon here, thank you for writing and sharing. I look forward to exploring more of your rich words soon. Blessings always, Deborah.

    Liked by 1 person

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