Struggling towards birth

I am supposed to be an ‘adult’. The world around me expects that by now, at age 36, I should know how to play this game called ‘life’. I’ve got a certificate that states that I am a fully educated Druid.

And yet somehow I feel like I’ve never known so little as I do now. Spiritual awakening is tough. It shows you all the ways in which the world you used to live in does not work anymore, and all the certainties you thought you could count on as permanent, reliable rock foundations, begin to crumble around you.

Part of you feels as vulnerable as a newborn child again. For, just like that child, you know you are not the old you anymore, but at the same time the new version of you is still very much ‘under construction’. I would love to plan for the future, but I have no idea how, as – in essence – I don’t know ‘who’ to plan for. And also, there do not seem to be any manuals available for the path I am on.

I find that I can no longer be content with ‘just existing’. I want my life to mean something. I want to be able to look back on my life afterwards and conclude that I’ve given all the love I had within me to the world. That I somehow managed to make a difference. But how the fuck am I going to accomplish that if I don’t even know how to properly manage my own life?

The beginning of a new year is supposed to be a time of joy, of new years resolutions, of hope for a better future. But all I am seeing is the world literally going up in flames right now. The last few weeks have been mostly a time of tears and outright panic attacks.

My guides tell me this is normal. That this is what it feels like to prepare for birth. That this is, after all, the dark time of the year…

And so I guess that’s all I can do for now. Hope that this all serves a purpose. That the intense discomfort I am feeling right now will serve as a beacon helping me realize what my place in all of this can and should be.

But let me assure you that experiencing rebirth is a fucking difficult process…


One comment

  1. Sorry to hear that you are going through such a tough time. I think we are all deeply concerned about the fires in Australia in particular. May I make a suggestion? For your own sake, can you try to disengage for a while? Yes, you may be going through a rebirth or you may not, but focusing on everything that is going on in the world is not going to help you or anyone else. I practise what I preach. I do the small things I can, but I know I am at my most effective when I engage only with what I can actually affect. I hope you find this helpful. I was 36 two decades ago and I know how difficult it is. Adulthood is an ongoing process and not something that happens at a particular age.

    Liked by 1 person

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